Author: kezune

Well. When I say lately, I really mean over the course of the last 2 years or so.

There’s been so much happening around me that it all seems like such a blur, and 2 years is such a long time to try to catch you all up on. Sooooo I’ll give you the bullet points. Well. As best as I can.

As far as my work life goes, I went from being a manager of a small retail store to being “promoted” to a far better paying part time position at a larger store within the company. The money was good and life was good. And then my home life fell apart. My husband’s attention was turned to someone else.

I don’t want to give away too many details, but I will just say that my home life, love life, married life, whatever you want to call it got so dark and so miserable and I felt so isolated I decided that I wanted to kill myself. I had my belt around my neck when something in me said “No. Stop. You’re right. This pain is too much and you aren’t equipped to handle it by yourself. But instead of just putting an end to it all, why don’t we try going to our therapist first?”

So I did. After that, I spent 5 days in the hospital doing, of all things, sleeping. I was broken of my binge drinking habit and I finally caught up on all the sleep I’d missed out on. My brain was finally starting to heal and I was put on medications that helped me recover.

My husband continued to be absent until he left just 2 weeks after my return from the hospital. This was last September.

Since then, I’ve started to rediscover myself. For the first little bit I went through the motions – go to work, go home, don’t drink, get some sleep.  Go to work, go home, don’t drink, get some sleep. Go to work, go home, and so on. Of course I had friends who supported me. Only very few know about my stay at the hospital, and even fewer knew about why. Eventually, I spent enough time sober and on my own to start getting… bored. But that was a good thing.

I started to do the things that I loved to do again. I knitted and crocheted. I did some sketching. Hell, I forgot that I loved to read. I’ve rediscovered my love of reading! And then I rediscovered my love of learning. I focused on learning about self care, finding the things that I’m passionate about and forming and maintaining relationships with my friends. I learned how to set boundaries and prioritize myself without alienating anyone. I’ve even resolved, not to be less afraid, but to face the things that scare me. Earlier today I asked for application and financial aid information from my dream school. That conversation was terrifying. I was on the phone for an hour.

Today I’ve resolved to play around with programming again and see if it’s something I would like to do for a living. Right now, I’m actually downloading course materials and software for a Udemy course I enrolled in ages ago. I’m nervous, but I’m also excited! As I skimmed the course material and started my downloads, I puzzled over what platform I would use to share my projects, my progress and my achievements with and, like a wet fish, memories of my YouTube channel and all the friends I’ve made through it hit me in the face.

So I’m back! Sort of. I may be doing Let’s Play videos again in the future, but mostly I want to let you all know that I’ve been through Hell and back. I miss you guys. I love you guys! I hope you’ll enjoy this quest for self-discovery with me.

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